I often treat my relationships as if engaged in a “zero sum” game. Zero sum games are games in which the total “wins” and “losses” add up to zero. If we play poker, your winnings equal my losses. If you win a dollar, it means that I lose a dollar. The sum of the win and the loss is equal to zero.

Chess is another zero sum game. Every piece I win is a piece lost to you. Every bit of ground I gain is at your expense. We can’t both win the same game of chess. The result is competition in its purest form.

We live in a culture that values competition, and the zero sum model plays an important role. We’re introduced to the rules of “win-lose” as we grow up playing board games and sports. We often learn to compete for grades in school. Many business models are based on zero sum philosophy. Upon entering the workplace we soon learn that “business is war”….it’s “survival of this fittest”. We act as if there is one giant piece of pie out there and that we had better get our piece of it before the competition does. It’s very motivating.

Then we come to relationships. I am learning that relating with others is not bound by zero sum rules. It is possible to have much more than that. An example: It’s been a long work week for me out pounding the pavement. I want to spend Friday night relaxing at home watching a video. Sylvia wants to go to the mall and window shop. I dread window shopping even when I have the energy for it. Sylvia is tired of being cooped up in the house all day and wants to get out. Neither of us wants to spend the evening alone.

If Sylvia gets what she wants, does that mean I lose what I want? Maybe, but there is more to it than that. I decide to go window shopping with her. As we browse I notice how happy and carefree she seems to be. I notice how appreciative she is that I’ve come with her. I soften a bit and become aware of how glad I am that we’re together and deeply in love after so many years. I feel wonderful. I am so glad I came window shopping. I’m not that tired anymore and don’t feel like I have “lost” anything at all.

A portal in my mind is beginning to open as I realize that relationships are not based on “fixed” amounts of goods or territory to be lost or gained. Relationships are based on principles that are not subject to containment…that can’t be captured or handled like money or chess pieces. The strategy for “winning” in relationships is completely different. In relationships, I win to the degree that I help others win. Sacrificing what I want does not mean that I lose. It often opens the door to even greater fulfillment.

Here are some questions you might ask yourself to determine if you are relating to others with a zero sum mentality:

• Are you happy for others when they succeed (or are you secretly envious, as if there were only so much success to go around)?
• Do you find yourself “negotiating” with your loved ones as you might in a business venture?
• Do you often believe that your life is more difficult than that of others (like you’ve been dealt a “losing” hand)?
• Do you worry about being the “best”, “smartest”, or “most beautiful” (as if there were only so much good, intelligence or beauty to go around)?
• Do you “keep score” in relationships, tracking who owes you favors?
• How willing are you to sacrifice your time to help a friend, co-worker or neighbor in need?

Perhaps you’ll discover that you, like I, have a long way to go to be free of zero sum relating. This discovery, however, only means that you are closer than ever to succeeding.

Mike Bundrant is a licensed counselor (NM) and the owner of this publication. He can be reached at (951) 927-9322.