Words
By Pauline Feltner

Have you ever forgotten the name of a person or place, or just the word to express what you are thinking or feeling?  It happened to me today – trying to recall the name of a fast food chain.  I knew it was a person’s name, but all I could think of was Bob Evans, which I knew was incorrect.  Finally, I clicked on Tim Hortons.  Yes, Tim Hortons, of course!

This affliction that you and I experience occasionally, perhaps more as we age, is permanent with my friend Marge.  Marge suffered a stroke over ten years ago, leaving her right side paralyzed and her speech reduced by aphasia.

Spending time with Marge is a treat and a testament to her doggedness and courage.  She worked very hard to recover as much speech as she has.   Her words are perfectly clear and intelligible.  It is just that they are limited. She always carries a small pad of paper and a pencil so she can write some words that she cannot speak.

I marvel at her patience with her disability.  I know how annoyed and obsessed I become when I cannot recall words.  Imagine always, always being unable to find the word.
Incredible.

Marge has learned some stock phrases like “Beautiful day, thank God,” and she has developed unique, ingenious ways to express herself.  The word divorce is one that eludes her.  So when she wants to communicate that someone is divorced, she hums the wedding march and announces, “Done finished.”

She is unable to simply say a number like ten or a day of the week.  Consequently, she must count the numbers 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9, until she reaches 10.  She needs to recite the days of the week until she attains the one desired. 

A small electronic device can help her say words that she can spell but not pronounce.  She types in the word and the mini-computer speaks it for her.  Often, when I call on the phone, she will say, “Just a minute, now,” while she enters a word that she cannot speak into the computer.

Sometimes her attempt to practice words is humorous, but I try to keep my amusement to myself.  My name is one that she cannot remember.  One day we were practicing while driving.  I would say my name, Pauline.  Marge would repeat it.  We did this several times and she seemed to have it.  A few minutes later she tried to say it again.  She said things like “Utica, Michigan, no, no, that’s wrong, Florida, no, no, that’s wrong.”  It took me a while to realize that she was trying to say my name because Utica and Florida sound nothing like Pauline.  I smiled and pronounced it again.  It is still a word that plagues her.

I write this to commend Marge for her ability to handle frustration so gracefully.  But I also reflect on her difficulty with words and my relative facility.  Certainly, I have momentary lapses which are annoying or mind tickling, but most of the time I am able to speak fluently.

Although I am able to speak fluently, I do not always speak kindly.  I fear that too often I use my ease with words in a way that does not always create peace, but rather the opposite.  Recently, feeling hurt by a comment that my husband made and rather than expressing my feelings in a kind way, I lashed out with nasty words that were hurtful.

I am allegedly a person who is non-violent, one who never sees violence as a solution to problems.  I am quick to judge those who are violent, thinking that I could never act in such a way.  Yet, too often my words are harsh and wounding, opposite of my peaceful stance.

When my words are not directed toward a person present, they may be directed toward someone not present.  Usually, I am not overt in my criticism; I may just allude to, walk around the edges of gossip with subtle innuendo.

Right speech is one of the parts of the Buddhist Eightfold Path to overcoming suffering.  Until just recently I thought that I was a practitioner par excellence.  But noting my behavior, I must conclude that I still need to work on right speech.

So I can look to Marge who, in spite of her challenge of finding words, uses the words she has with kindness. Marge reminds me to examine my speech, appreciate my nonchalance with words, and note and curb words that could wound.

Marge teaches me to be grateful for words and to use them compassionately.

Practice kind speech
Embrace kind thoughts
Assume the best of others
Consider the effect of actions
Encourage self and others

Pauline Feltner lives in Detroit, Michigan and recently visited Spirit Mountain Retreat in Idyllwild, CA.