Q & A with Paul

My husband, Jonathan, and I love each other deeply. There are no doubts about love, commitment or fidelity with us. However, we keep running into the same argument every few months, and it has to do with chores around the house.

He seems to keep track of who is doing what, and asks me to “take out the garbage, because I took out the recycling,” and “unload the dishwasher, because I loaded it.” To me, it's not “relationship thinking” to nitpick, as long as we both feel balanced in our contribution to the household. He says he does not feel balanced, and would like to devise a chore chart for us. I had one of these when I was a child, and at 52 I don't think I need a chore chart. I do feel I help as much as he does, yet he feels I do not and has to bring it up.

I have had to remind him to help with cleaning and vacuuming, but we have lived here for six months and he hasn't picked up a mop yet. He vacuums, but usually only to pick up the lint when he exercises on the rug.

Every time he brings up that I don't do something that he thinks I should, it hurts my feelings and makes me feel like a slacker. He admits I'm a hard worker, so I just don't get it. Is he being controlling (he's in the military and was raised by a controlling stepdad)? What's his issue? I know your book says one of the top three marriage-breakers is bringing “business math” into the home, saying things like, “I did this, so you need to do that.” But that's what's happening between two (equally stubborn) people who love each other. Is there common ground for a solution here before we drift apart?

With  gratitude,
Janet

Hi, Janet.

What’s happening between you and Jonathan is that you are each imposing your habit- driven expectations on one another instead of accepting each other’s flaws and looking past them. No, it is no fun to put up with the inconsideration of another’s idiosyncrasies but that is what everybody signs up for. No charts or punishments are going to resolve the balance of household work satisfactorily.

The best answer is to control the mind when it wants to find the impossible – a fair balance of work. I was visiting a monk friend one day who was counseling a particularly challenging woman. He was training me and almost always asked me to stay and observe. Soon another monk, who is considered a saint by the many who know him, walked into the office. The lady turned and said, “Oh, that door is squeaky. Someone needs to fix it.” The saintly monk quietly turned and walked out. I thought she had blown him out of there with her gruff attitude. But a few minutes later he quietly came back in with a can of oil and fixed the squeak.

I learned my lessons, first that nobody has the power to affect us. We choose what we allow to affect us. Second, when the work needs to be done and you are called upon to do it, you should just do it.

If your husband is willing to take advantage of you, and you are not willing to be taken advantage of, there will be nothing but escalating trouble. However, if you accept this little inconvenience for the sake of your love for him (not because he makes up for it in other ways), then you will be happy. As you may also recall from my book, the idea that someone will change because we think they need to change is silly at best. People have free will and will only change when they are compelled by what is going on in their lives. Read that part again because it is vital and needs to be remembered.

Love him without condition rather than with expectations. Let the battles in your life be the internal battles of finding joy regardless of whatever circumstance you may be facing. It is a black-and-white deal, you see. If you need certain “reasonable” expectations to be fulfilled in order to be happy, those expectations will grow but your happiness will not. It is best to insist on happiness in your mind no matter what. Happiness is your soul’s birthright; your tools to achieve it are willpower and reason.

Lastly, always place expectations on yourself so you continue to grow. Pray for others when the mind wants to criticize them. You are awesome!

Best always,
Paul

Paul Friedman is the author of the book “Lessons for a Happy Marriage,” which can be ordered through Amazon or directly from his website, www.lessonsforahappymarriage.com Paul is also the relationship and marriage expert for Bizymoms.com. He meets with those in need by appointment. He can be reached at (760) 672-5588.