Healthy Times Ahead
By Mike Bundrant

I once heard a speaker challenge his audience that he’d wager none of us had spent any time alone.  Real time alone, he followed.  He speculated that most people go their entire lives without spending more than a day - or even a few hours - in complete solitude.  He suggested that most of us wouldn’t know what to do with ourselves should we find ourselves alone for extended periods of time.

We do tend to be social creatures.  We learn essential social and life skills, to communicate and in general to do “what people do” in a social context. Most of us learn from at least one parent or caregiver - and from friends - what is right and wrong and in general how to navigate the sometimes treacherous waters in a sea of people and activity.

An interesting caveat is that for all of us (at least everyone I’ve met), there were conditions placed upon our learning.  No person that I know of was raised in an “unconditional” context.  We were raised by average people with a typical mixture of conflicting emotions, although some may have been better equipped for the job than others. Those average people had expectations that we learn and do things in certain ways, thankfully.  Attached to those expectations were, to a greater or lesser degree, conditions.  Essentially, if we didn't cooperate and perform well, there were problems.

When we were successful at learning what we needed to learn, we were typically rewarded with increased attention, praise, freedom, money, food and so forth. If our parents, teachers or friends approved, that was GOOD.  When we were unsuccessful or uncooperative, we were typically scolded, lectured, punished or disapproved of in some way, even if subtly.  If parents, teachers or friends disapproved, that was BAD.  These seem to be the conditions – again, to a greater or lesser degree - under which we learn to be people. Even though many of us would aspire to create a different, less conditional scenario, few if any have such a thing to offer.

The result of these kinds of praise and blame, rewards and punishment is that we become, in a manner, addicted to approval seeking.  We end up desiring to please or impress others so that we can obtain the rewards, avoid the punishments and be justified in our actions and feelings. We become anxious when we don't please those who are watching.  This kind of insecurity seems to be ingrained in us like wheat in bread. 

We’ve even learned to help each other out in conversation by continually offering feedback that suggests that no matter what someone is saying to us, we approve.
“Mmhmm, yeah, oh really? Wow. That’s neat. Oh that’s great! Good for you!  Uh huh.  Ah, right!”  We’re constantly giving and receiving little confirmations to each other that yes, indeed, we are interested!

Try this experiment.  Just gaze politely at someone the next time they are trying to explain something to you.  Let them talk without offering any verbal acknowledgement or even nodding your head.  When they finish, say nothing.  Allow an empty silence to fill the space between you.  Then watch for the puzzled or even alarmed look on their face when they realize you don't “buy in” to what they’re saying (don’t do this to your boss).

At a personal growth workshop called “Inward Island” (see www.theperceptinstitute.com) one of the activities is to get a partner and spend a full hour telling your partner about the most important thing in your life.  Your partner does nothing for that hour other than listen intently.  No feedback. No head nods, smiles or verbal encouragement.  You have no idea if your partner approves, disapproves, likes you or dislikes you.  You don’t know if she is interested. You only see that she is listening, that is all.  How unsettling. 

When I did this particular exercise I discovered once I got past the discomfort of not knowing if my partner approved, I let go of caring whether or not she did.  At that point I became freer than ever to explore my inner experience and realized, to my great surprise and relief, that I wasn’t actually all that interested in what I was claiming to be “the most important thing in my life”.  I had only been feigning interest because I thought it was expected of me by certain others. Fascinating. This took only 5 minutes to discover.  I had nothing to say for the rest of the hour!  For those who can imagine how great, terrible and profound an experience this might be, find a partner and try it.

Why all this probing around social approval? I don’t think our need for approval is bad, wrong, unfair or otherwise not OK.  I think it is just how things are and wouldn’t want to change a thing.  Problems do occur, however, when we feel trapped, depressed, overly anxious, inhibited, controlled or controlling, dependent and clingy and not free to even begin to know and be ourselves and let the chips fall where they may.  Some have even forgotten how to “want” because what they want is not pleasing to those around them.  When we limit ourselves because we fear being rejected or alone, then I think we need to consider how to move beyond or reduce this need for approval.

Soon after I divorced I found myself almost completely stuck as a parent.  During the 50% of the time I had with my kids, I discovered that I couldn’t answer their questions by myself, with no consultation with another adult.  My three older kids became extraordinarily frustrated, continually asking me if they could do this or that and getting “let me think about it” as a response.  After a month or so, Courtney, my 16 year old daughter, had had enough.  When all were present she confronted me, demanding that I figure out how the give them straight answers. 

In that moment I saw my own dependency; my lack of ability to know what I believe is right as a parent without leaning heavily on someone else’s opinion.  The solution took several months.  It began when I confessed to my kids that I had never been in this situation before and wasn’t sure how to make decisions as a single father.  My brain just locked up when it came time for the answers.  “If I don’t respond right away, it’s not that I don’t care.  I just need a lot of time to figure out what I believe is right,” I told them.

Courtney, bless her heart, responded, “Ok. That makes sense.  Now, next weekend I want to spend the night at Kayla’s house.  Can you just put that in your head and give me an answer in a few days?”  Kids sure are smart these days.

In the months since then I’ve been overjoyed to discover that not only do I “have to” make my own decisions as a parent, but that it is a privilege beyond any other that I have experienced so far in life.  I am free to parent as I see fit and honestly do.

Individuality, inner freedom, genuine self-expression, self-confidence and self-esteem all await on the other side of the gulf that is our need for the approval of others.  Getting beyond this gulf takes time and the support of genuine friends - and a lot of effort. It needs to be a conscious goal.  It's rare that people have this goal.

The Gestalt Prayer

I do my thing and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
And you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you, and I am I,
And if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful.
If not, it can't be helped.
Fritz Perls, M.D.

Mike Bundrant is a Life Coach practicing in Temecula and the publisher of Healthy Times.  He can be reached at 951-492-9500.