At one point in my life I believed that I would be able to “keep my cool” as the father of my children – remaining detached – giving sage advice to tender ears. I am now 15 years into my parenting career. If you and I were to sit down to watch video highlights of some of my interactions with my children, we’d be rolling with laughter and wondering where my “cool” went!

For a long time when my kids would get into a troublesome situation (we’ll call it “situation X”) the scenario went something like this: Kid gets into situation X; dad loses cool, yells out a lecture, pronounces a punishment and leaves. Kid resents dad and stomps off.

Inevitably I would not follow through with the punishment out of guilt that I had added to my children’s troubles by being a jerk. I knew in my heart that in spite of the trouble they were causing, my kids didn’t deserve the mistreatment they were getting from me. To make matters worse, they weren’t getting the discipline they needed either.

The day I accepted that I was not prone to remaining calm when my kids get in trouble was the day I discovered an important tool in giving my children the discipline they need. In psychological circles we call it “staying in process” – to me it feels more “hanging in there”.

Some time ago, Sylvia and I happened onto a “more serious situation X” with one of our children. In an instant I knew that this time I couldn’t indulge in simply spitting out a lecture and then abandoning the situation. Our child needed me to be fully present at all costs – for as long it as would take. Yet, I was angry and knew that I couldn’t keep this fact hidden.

The solution came early on in the initial confrontation. It evolved naturally through the course of conversation. If I had to summarize, my wording would be as follows: “We’ve discovered you are in situation X and I am angry. My anger is not your problem, and I don’t want to add to your trouble here, but I’m angry nonetheless. So, we’re just going to begin to talk, and try to figure out what to do over the next few days. I may say some things in my anger that I don’t really mean. I may threaten punishments before I know the full story. I’m sure you will be angry too…that’s Ok. It will take some time to hear all sides of the issue, but we’re going to stick it out and spend the time we need here – nothing is more important to me.”

Positioning ourselves in this way created a very healthy space in which to communicate. It felt like we had time to work it out. No one was as worried about “saying the wrong thing” and regretting it, as no hasty decisions were to be made. The conversation was often heated, but seemed fair and balanced at the same time.

I’ve learned that the process is complete when I believe all cards are on the table, the right consequences are dealt, and a sense of peace has returned among us. It often takes time to get to this kind of resolution. Time isn’t always easy to find, but it’s worth the effort.

I’ve also learned that my kids appreciate this kind of disciplining – even when it is tough on them – even when the consequences are severe. On rare occasions they confess this appreciation openly.

Now, my kids know what it means when I announce, “It looks like its time to start the process!” They roll their eyes and prepare to engage. And they do engage – that’s the point. They are learning, as am I, that real solutions and valuable learning come through a process that involves people working together.

I know many parents are struggling with high risk situations with their kids. I think the “hang in there” principle applies to high risk scenarios, and perhaps grows in importance as the gravity of “situation X” increases.

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
-Winston Churchill

This kind of parenting takes more time than my old style. It requires a greater personal sacrifice. It tests my emotional and spiritual strength more. It takes more thoughtfulness, more sleepless nights. And it’s worth every ounce of effort.

Mike Bundrant is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor (NM) and the owner of this publication. He can be reached at 951-927-9322.