Developing Intimacy

I was overcome with emotion during several scenes from the movie Freedom Writers, which is based on a true story.  None struck me as deeply as the scene in the school hallway in which Hillary Swank’s character, Erin Gruwell, confronts a student who is struggling.  The climax of the scene, and I imagine a turning point in this student’s life, occurs when Gruwell stands before him and declares, “I see who you are. I see you!”  It was a profound moment for me.

The very next day my friend Jake commented that so many of us need to foster a deeper capacity for intimacy. Jake was referring to the ability to “connect” with others in general and not necessarily in the sexual sense of the word.  Since then the topic has been on my mind, so I want to reflect on intimacy and wonder what’s required to develop more of it.

I think Erin Gruwell’s triumph at Wilson High School in Long Beach was made possible by her ability to facilitate an intimate environment. This environment was one in which her students felt safe and respected and most of all, seen. In turn, the students became willing to see Gruwell for who she was and for what she was determined to accomplish on their behalf.  Eventually, they offered her their support and cooperation.  The students began to consider the classroom as their home and their peers as family.

Why is this so rare that they made a movie about it that brings people to tears? 

In my younger years I think I believed that to the degree I connect deeply with other people I lose control of “me” or “lose myself” - as if intimacy involves an “either/or” ultimatum as opposed to a “both/and” possibility.  “If I connect with you, I lose me” rather than “if I connect with you I enhance me”.

I ask myself what skills or traits might be involved in developing a deep capacity for intimacy that fosters the both/and paradigm? Here is my quick list:

Willingness to connect with others: to see others for who they are and be seen for who you are

Self-awareness and a healthy sense of self

Honesty or willingness to be truthful and make oneself vulnerable - and honor the vulnerability of others

Capacity to walk in another’s shoes and attend to his or her needs

Each of the above skills can be difficult enough to develop singly, much less use them in cooperation with each other in a dance with other people.

Perhaps intimacy is a rare phenomenon precisely because it involves these paradoxical skills.  It’s a quite a combination, having a healthy sense of self and being willing to make oneself vulnerable and possessing the capacity to understand others and attend to them.  I also see how these qualities, on a deeper level, all support each other in creating and maintaining an intimate experience. 

I’ll break form here and mention a few things that my Art Director, Tobi, couldn’t resist writing to me after she read the initial draft of this article.  Those of you who know Tobi also know that she is not afraid to voice her opinion. That’s one thing I appreciate about her. I always know where she stands.  Take a moment to enjoy her perspective:

I don't think avoiding intimacy has as much to do with what you said. It’s  more about making yourself vulnerable and possibly getting hurt. Most people who feel this way joke or laugh or whatever to blow it off when it gets “too deep”. They are scared that the other person doesn't feel the same way they do.  So it is easier not to put yourself out there.

When people say they don't want to “give themselves up”, it’s because they really don't. There is nothing wrong with that. They just haven't found someone they really want to get intimate with.  Until then, they may be pushing people away, but that’s what you’re supposed to do! Only needy people want to get intimate with everyone. Healthy
people build relationships first and then get closer or become more intimate when the time is right.
 
Tobi

Well said, Tobi. And worth pondering.

It’s a deep topic to which we all respond in different ways.  So, I’ll leave this article without a conclusion. Such an issue doesn’t seem to lend itself well to the finality of conclusions anyway. It seems more appropriate to invite us all to examine our own levels of intimacy with family, friends, significant others and strangers.  

Perhaps some of us will venture a little further into this area of our lives that seems so rare, paradoxical and full of risk.

Mike Bundrant is a practicing Life Coach in Temecula and the publisher of Healthy Times. He can be reached at 951-492-9500.

Visit the Freedom Writers and Erin Gruwell at www.freedomwritersfoundation.org