When Choices Aren’t Obvious
Recently I was talking to my colleague, Jake Eagle. Jake is a rather gifted psychotherapist in Santa Fe, NM. He related the following:
“I remember going to a counselor with Hannah (Jake’s wife) years ago. His name was Zink. Hannah had been complaining that I was flirting with other women”, said Jake. Part of the conversation went like this:
Zink: “Are you, in fact, flirting?”
Jake: “Yes, but it’s harmless.”
Zink: “Not for Hannah.”
Jake: “But I’m faithful. She doesn’t need to worry.”
Zink: “But she does worry.”
Jake: “That’s not my problem.”
Zink: “No, it’s not. But you need to decide which is more important to you...flirting, or helping Hannah feel safe and comfortable.”
Now Jake has a clear and interesting “adult” choice to make. Will he remain defensive and childishly maintain his right to flirt? Or will he take a more mature perspective?
Life can be very difficult when we face the world with a childish attitude. Work is a burden. Other people are demanding. We feel overwhelmed, confused, “put upon”, trapped or out-of-control. We don’t see choices. We don't feel empowered. The correct path is not always obvious. When the correct path is visible, we may not have the courage or motivation to take it.
The awful truth may be that we made many of our life choices while living in a state of immaturity. Perhaps we chose a career based on what our parents wanted us to become, not on our own desires. Growing up and becoming the individual we were meant to be may very well challenge some of these choices. This can be painful and scary. In any case, great care should be taken when considering what is at stake.
So, it’s not always easy to grow up. It’s just much less difficult than the alternative.
Arriving at a place of personal maturity rarely happens quickly and without help from key people. Getting there is always worth it. This is where happiness, satisfaction and reconciliation with Life become possible.
What did Jake do? “The choice was easy. I grew up and stopped flirting”, said Jake. “To the degree that I am grown up, my choices are clear. I don’t find them to be very difficult.”
You might ask, “How do we reach this point where our choices are so obvious and relatively easy to make?” I submit that this is not the best question to ask. A better question is, “Do we really want to get there?”
Mike Bundrant is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor (NM, Ret.) and Life Coach. He is also the founder of Healthy Times. He can be reached at (951) 492-9500.