A lot of good kids are drifting on the edge of serious trouble. I call it “wandering” outside the values of the family in which they are being raised. These children are not delinquent, but at risk of becoming so if their wandering grows in wider circles. I characterize cooperation, wandering and delinquency as follows:

Cooperation

The child consistently does what is expected, shows initiative and is enjoying an age appropriate measure of freedom and responsibility.

Wandering

School work suffers
Hangs around with questionable friends
Refuses to participate in family activities
Experiments with smoking, drinking, drugs
Attitude turns “dark” – seem to have lost the light in their eyes
Keeps distance from siblings, especially younger ones
Pushes the limit of schedules or curfews
Heavily immersed in pop culture at the expense of family life

Will still talk to parents, even if argumentatively
Will still cooperate with parental intervention, even if inconsistently or begrudgingly
Innocence and playfulness still “bleed” through a rougher exterior consistently
Seems more relaxed when not in the company of questionable friends

Delinquency

The child is engaging in a destructive pattern of behavior and is not responsive to parental influence. Outside intervention is necessary to reclaim the child.

Parents are greatly affected by a child wandering. Children have a great impact on us – it is difficult to live with someone who constantly resents, criticizes and rejects you – who fights you every step of the way. It is difficult to live with the social pressure caused by a child going astray. It is difficult to reconcile with the resentment that you as a parent may harbor toward your own child. And, it is painful to watch your child lose a degree of innocence.

With a child wandering many parents:

Resent or argue with each other about the child
Resent or criticize the child
Avoid discussing the problem with the child or taking positive action
Attempt to manipulate, force or control the child into obedience
Lose faith in their child’s future

Having reclaimed a child from wandering, I want to share with you what I discovered to be the principles that helped my wife Sylvia and I succeed. I will outline 5 principles that I believe are involved.

Parental Alignment. Sylvia and I find that to be effective we need to spend as much time aligning ourselves with each other as we do with our children. On weightier matters we seldom give an answer to a child without consulting each other at length beforehand. This process has claimed many of our evenings, but has been worth every effort.

Children whose parents remain in conflict over how to parent properly have endless opportunity to wander. They play parents against each other and in general slip through the cracks in a faulty family foundation. It is nearly impossible for parenting to be effective when the parties involved can’t agree on the rules or how to carry them out.

Caring. Our children know how we feel about them. They know the degree to which we care. They know where they land on our priority list. They know the truth nestled down deep in our parental souls. Ultimately, they respond to that truth.

Actions taken on behalf of the child have the greatest chance of success if they come from a place of caring. When we act toward our children from place of resentment, we invite resentment and rebellion in return. An attitude of caring alone may not be sufficient to reclaim a child, but it is essential.

Power. The only justification for attempting to influence another person comes from a desire for the welfare of that person. Assuming we really do care for our children, are we willing to go the next step and be intentionally directive in their lives? Can we embrace that responsibility by making key decisions and delivering needed consequences to our children with confidence, even in the face of uncertainty or criticism?

The issue of power is fundamental to a child’s wandering. In wandering the child is challenging our power as parents and as parents we are typically doubting, resenting, fearing or otherwise avoiding that power. There is so much to say about this issue – I think the issue of power is at the heart of every significant parenting problem. A question to ponder is this: “How can we give ourselves permission to fully exert our influence on behalf of our child?”

Commitment. Wandering children scoff at first attempts of parents that set out to help them. But, they are interested in these attempts. Can we endure repeated failures as our children test our resolve?

Many wandering children will return to the family circle after they realize that their parents will go to greater lengths to reclaim them than they themselves are willing to go in their rebellion. Parents have more resources than children when they are committed to understand and use them.

Agency. Agency refers to our individual right to make choices and accept the consequences of those choices. Can we accept that our children ultimately choose their own way and must live with what they choose? There is no guarantee that our efforts will pay off. There is no law that says our children will be what we want them to be if we care about them and try hard enough.

My conviction is that most children respond well and grow up to be healthy adults when they are raised by committed people in a healthy environment. But we can never rule out the nature of individual agency – it can always surprise us and frequently does.

Again, there is so much to say about agency, free-will, context, nature/nurture, etc.....but we might simply ponder how we want to fulfill our roles as parents, independently of what our children choose to do with themselves in the end. For my part, I know that when all is said and done, I want the inner peace of knowing I did all within my power.

There are other important factors to consider including: developmental stages children pass through, special issues for single parents, and what to do if your child is unresponsive to your effort and needs outside intervention. I hope to treat these issues at a later time.

Mike Bundrant is a Licensed Counselor (NM) and the publisher of Healthy Times. He can be reached at (951) 927-9322.