How to Raise Self-Confident Children
When is the last time you heard someone complain about graduating from college or earning a Black Belt? But you do hear the regrets from the ones who didn’t. The self-confidence to accomplish these worthy goals begins in childhood with committed parents who involve their children in constructive, confidence boosting activities.
Self-confidence is belief in self. It is one of the most important virtues in a child’s life. Let us compare self-confidence to a credit score. Credit is the lending institution’s belief in your integrity and ability to meet your obligations. If your payment record is clean, the lending institutions continue to increase your credit lines. If you are delinquent, it affects and lowers your credit score. If you establish a history of delinquencies, the lending agencies will lose confidence in you altogether and eliminate your credit lines.
Who wants to start out life burdened with bad credit? Neither would you want your child to start out life saddled with low self-esteem or lacking self-confidence. Parents must realize that they are the most influential person in their child’s life and need to make decisions that are in the best interest of their children, until their children are old enough and responsible to make important decisions on their own.
As with credit scores, children’s self-confidence is largely determined by their accomplishments and record of successes. Parents must set examples themselves and train their children to complete selected goals. Parents must generously utilize positive reinforcement while teaching and disciplining their children. From infancy, children need constant praise and acknowledgments for any and all accomplishments, large or small, and to be encouraged and taught the importance of following through with activities and the old school importance of keeping one’s word.
I was a Physical Education teacher in the mid 1970’s and early 80’s. The problem with our Physical Education programs is (I very quickly learned) that the children who need it the most are the first ones to escape with notes from mommy for a bruise, a tiny cut, or a stomachache. These are usually the children that are uncoordinated, overweight or just plain lazy. Isn’t that the reason physical education classes were incorporated into the school curriculum in the first place? Athletes are always exuberantly lined up and waiting for class.
Students with a 4.0 average rarely drop out of school. It’s the D and C average students that drop out. The children that need and benefit the most from martial arts training are the ones that tend to drop out because they lack self-discipline, athleticism, or motivation. They generally don’t feel very good about themselves. So, the parents let them out because they get tired of fighting with them about attending class. I reiterate; it is the parents’ responsibility to make decisions that are in their children’s best interest.
My wife teaches a program at a nearby pre-school. Last week a four-year-old refused to do his punching techniques because it was too hard. He wanted to quit because he didn’t like TKD. She took him aside and talked him into trying again. This time he was successful. He became very excited with his new accomplishment, and then proudly exclaimed he liked TKD now that he was doing so well.
The Martial Arts utilize belt-ranking systems that reward and allow for the measuring of success. The beginning belts are easy to achieve, but then become increasingly more difficult and require harder work and more dedication as the student advances, which brings rewards of recognition and status. You can see confidence soar with each new belt promotion. We have children with many forms of developmental delays and disabilities who achieve advanced belt rankings. Anything is possible with the required effort and consistency.
The Martial Arts is only one of many cures for low self-esteem or lack of self-confidence. The home environment is where it all starts. We only have children three or four hours per week. When we and the parents are pulling the cart in the same direction, we get phenomenal results, so home environments are very important.
I often hear parents complain that they can’t control things their children experience outside of the home. Parents can, however, minimize those experiences. Spend quality one-on-one time and scrutinize and maintain control over with whom their children socialize. Get to know your children’s close friends and create lines of communication with and become friends with their friends’ parents. The home environments of their friends also significantly contribute to children’s outlook on life.
I received full custody of my daughter Erica when she was 14 years old. She suffered low self-esteem and had no self-confidence, resulting from a verbally abusive relationship with her mom. Getting full custody of her changed my entire life and turned it upside down from that moment on. I was suddenly transformed into a single father raising a teenage daughter.
I immediately made her friends my friends and they became an important part of my life. I was in constant communication with other parents and became a major part of their inner circle, always cross checking who was doing what and with whom. One of us always accompanied the kids to the movie theaters or skating rinks or out to the lake on the weekend and reported back to the rest of us. Keep your children in activities that provide a circle of friends and role models which will be a good influence and create a healthy and positive atmosphere.
Every time a child is allowed to quit something because it’s hard, boring, or not going as expected, their confidence is wounded. If they are allowed to establish a history of quitting early or dropping out of activities, they don’t develop the habits or internal strength to live up to the demands of life. Eventually they no longer believe in themselves. They begin to select friends who also suffer low self-esteem because they feel more comfortable with them. I battled for four years to get my daughter through high school. It was more draining than winning world titles. She finally graduated and she and I are very proud. Neither of us ever regretted it.
I deal with parents virtually every day that decided to pull their child out of my classes because the child simply doesn’t want to come any longer, or whose child is not paying attention or keeping up with the other kids. So they want to escape their contractual obligation because Johnny or Suzy discovered the reality that their Tae Kwon Do dreams required work, dedication and self-discipline. So they decided to try something new that won’t require hard work and discipline? You should never let children out of commitments they make until they complete their goal.
I golfed with my father for over thirty years. Every time we arrived at the course he produced a shinny, new club intended to drive the ball farther, provide more lift, putt straighter, and prevent his slice or control his hook. Every time I would remind him, “That’s great Dad, but someday you are going to have to learn to hit the ball properly.”
Driving along with my father one afternoon when I was in my mid 20’s, he shockingly asked me to rate him as a father on a scale from 1 to 10. After careful thought I finally answered, “On a scale of 1 to 10 you were a number 7.”
“What!” my father gasped. “A number 7.”
“Yes, Dad” I told him. He asked why, bewildered. I replied, “You let me quit school when I was only sixteen.”
“Bob, I fought with you every day about quitting school. You begged me, remember?” Dad reminded me.
“Yeah, I know. But I was only sixteen and you were my father. You should have made me complete my schooling. Instead, you told me romantic stories of your cross country travels as a teenaged runaway and I wanted more than anything to be like you. So, off I went.”
“So now you are going to hold it against me?” he asked.
“No, Dad. I’m just answering your question. You were an excellent father in all other areas, but you always covered for me because you loved me. However, you should have taught me to be more responsible and accountable at an earlier age. Success would have came easier and sooner for me. Now I’m back in school again after all these years,” I explained.
Your children look up to you and trust that you will make wise choices for them. If not, they may throw it back in your face someday. Chances are you already have ideas about where you fall short as a parent. Now is the time to make corrections and prepare your child for his or her future.
Grand Master Bob Chaney is a former world champion, ITF 8th Degree Black Belt with over 35 years of teaching experience. He is currently the Director of Bob Chaney’s Family Martial Arts in Murrieta, CA. Visit www.MasterChaney.com or call 951- 677-9933.