Weathering Life’s Transitions
By Mike Bundrant
Things in my life are not turning out how I thought they would. In my youth I believed things were going to be a certain way and that was that. My plan, acknowledged or not, was to control my way through a life where failure was not an option. All the pieces would fall into place and remain constant, safe from the turmoil that seemed to be so common among people.
The words of the legendary John Lennon ended up being true in my case: “Life is what happens when you’re making other plans”. In the months since my divorce I have found myself reflecting again and again on how to weather this storm in the healthiest manner. Here are some brief thoughts that I’ve had on coping with change, especially unexpected change. I expect that these thoughts may apply when considering any life transition that involves loss; such as a career change, loss of a loved one, a child leaving home, a move to a new city, etc…but understand they came to me in my own post-divorce context. Ultimately, I am in hopes that I will take my own advice here.
Be patient. Best selling author Sam Keen remarks in his book Fire in the Belly (Bantam Books, 1992) “The urgency men feel about sex, intimacy, marriage and getting things right with women is precisely what forces us into relationships in which we betray our manhood and do violence to women”.
I can’t tell you how tempted I have been to jump into relationships in order to avoid the pain and loneliness I have felt since separating from my ex-wife. And I can’t tell you how thrilled I am that I haven’t done this! As The Preacher of Ecclesiastes says “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven”. Among the purposes it states “A time to heal”. And healing takes time, deep pondering and great consideration for what life has offered us, and what it all means.
Let’s not rush things. Most of all, let’s be patient with ourselves in the midst of our attempts to adjust to change. Of course we will experience the anxiety, uncertainty, discouragement, anger, and grief often associated with unexpected change. Let’s be merciful to ourselves and not expect it to be easy. Inappropriately distracting ourselves from these experiences (be it through relationships, alcohol or drugs, shopping, food, etc…) can ultimately prevent us from moving on.
Appreciate history. Our view of our personal history and the people involved has so much to do with who we are. It is difficult – or impossible – to avoid feeling victimized by some of the people and unfortunate events. And it is tempting to cling to that defeated feeling as a way to absolve ourselves from our own responsibilities. I’ve done my share of this clinging and imagine I will continue to do so.
I think the better option, however, is to learn to appreciate the people and events that have tried us. We are capable of learning from just about anything and it seems the wiser choice. Imagine that there are only two choices; to nurture victimization or to learn and grow from our experience. Which would you choose?
Discover what is most important. Times of transition are good opportunities to reevaluate what is most important to us – to discover our deepest values. Sweeping change tends to stand so many of our assumptions on end. So much that we once took for granted is now nothing more than memory.
Times such as these almost beg for us to evaluate and discover what is most important to us. What in our lives do we hold near and dear to us? What do we really want? What really matters to us? The answers can provide a sense of security and gratitude for what we have…and much needed clarity through otherwise confusing periods.
Create a vision for the future. Where are we headed? Where do we want to be headed? We all know that change brings unprecedented opportunity into our lives. What will we do with the opportunity? Where do we want to be in five years? What will be our evidence of success? Perhaps we’ve been handed a blank slate on which to write the story of our future. What will we write?
Practice compassion. Chances are that others you know or meet are going though changes and trials of their own. I once heard a well-known public speaker give the advice, “When you look out on an audience, remember that the majority of the people in it are dealing with some personal tragedy in their lives, right now…” This is an interesting perspective. Perhaps nothing has given me greater comfort lately than to realize I am not alone in my suffering. Others are going through similar changes….and many have weathered much stronger storms in their lives…and have come through.
Learn what is going on in the lives of people you meet. Perhaps you can better identify with their challenges, given your own. Perhaps you can be of greater help to them than ever before. Pain and suffering can open our minds and hearts to others if we allow it. Maybe in this lies our greatest opportunity and reward.
Mike Bundrant is a licensed mental health counselor (NM) and the publisher of Healthy Times. He can be reached at (951) 927-9322 or mike@healthytimesonline.com. Call Mike to join a new coaching group in Temecula called Lives In Transition.
